The long haul

I come here to write this post in a neutral kind of mood. What I mean is, most of the time when I post on here I'm raging immediately after a terrible session (a session then). But this is more of a stable, calm, thoughts collected post.

This living is no fun. I've just been sitting here drinking beer thinking how depressed I feel, and how often this depression is around. It's MOST of the time. It's been 12 solid months of run bad in the $30 18's now, I'm break even in the last 1600, and 5% over 3k games which covers the past 12 months. Whilst I'm fairly confident even Stu Ungar can break even for that long (paaaah get real!) and that a 3k sample is like just 2 weeks for some grinders, it's still 12 months. My evbb/100 over those 12 months is 40% below actual bb/100.

So I'm sitting here thinking about the bigger picture and I think back on 2012 how many days I felt happy from poker. There was a few nice MTT days. I can recall about 4 days total I felt happy after poker. Now obviously that is a bad memory and I had plenty of decent smaller sessions through the year to be totalling a $50k year. But even then, I estimate no more than 10-14 days absolute top whack, throughout the year did I feel happpy. This job is a massive depressant for me, I guess I can't switch off run bad bullshit as easy as others' do. Most grinders, particularly the hyper 6max boys, I should imagine are total robots to be relentlessly grinding the way they do. I wish I could prgram my brain to be equally as indifferent towards it, but having quite a big ego, being a Leo this is unavoidable, each set back is as painful as the very first was. "Why are you even in this game then?" everyone always asks. Well I'm not going to be doing anything else that's for sure, so I take the freedom in exchange for the hell.

I dunno if I'm ever going to be able to tune my brain to switch off immediately after poker, to just ignore the relentless beats like so many other grinders do, but if I'm to not drive myself to an early grave with it I really must find a way. Listen to me, it's pathetic, think of the Africans and I'm complaining about this? Well you don't choose your thought processes and serotonin levels, you're given them, end of story. What I do know is give me someone else's account and I'd be alot happier. Hmm I'll take pessagno's tyvm. I've railed him many times and used be a rival of his in the $16 9mans back in the day. Let me tell you it's no exeggeration to say, I honestly don't recall a single lost hand I watched of his.
gn